What to Say to a Telemarketer Funny
When y'all want to get a telemarketer off the phone, employ these lines from Ask Reddit.
1. I'd give the indicate. My son would get-go screaming. I'd say, "Lamentable, my son is on burn." And hang up.
two. I ever "sell' what ever they are selling for a living… Need your ducts cleaned? Oh, I own a duct cleaning business… Demand lawn intendance? Oh, I own a landscaping company… Water filter? Oh, I own a water store. Shuts them up.
iii. I usually try to say something that would bewilder them. Same goes for people on the street. For example:
Them: Tin I interest you in the gamble to win £500?
Me: Oh, nah. I've got loads of money.
4. When they ask me if I desire to hear about their production I say, "Sure, merely first permit me tell you about our lord and savior Jesus Christ."
5. Answer the call with, "Hello caller, you're on the air!"
six. My favorite way is the manner Jerry Seinfeld did it in i episode.
T: "Hi I was wanting to see if y'all're interested in purchasing (blank)?"
J: "Yep that sounds dandy, but I'm really really busy at the moment. Tin can I get your proper noun and home phone number and I can call yous later tonight?"
T: "Sir, we cant practice that."
J: "Why not? You lot don't desire random people calling you all day?"
T: "Well, no."
J: "Well now yous know how I feel."
Hang upward.
7. I usually just draw on my inner 9 year onetime and scream similar I just got kicked off the x-box.
viii. When you lot become a call from a number you don't recognize, answer and if they ask for your proper name, ask them who they are kickoff. If they are a telemarketer, tell them you are deceased and start crying. They will accept you off their call list.
ix. I consistently say, "I'm nether xviii (I'm non) and I'm going to call the constabulary," and hang upward. 100% success rate and the but time they've chosen dorsum is to ask me not to call the police.
ten. I used to piece of work in a telephone call heart and I vividly remember when one client told my co-worker that he was a cop and that he just got involved in a criminal offence case for calling. Asking for his information etc it scared TF out of him lmao dude was just trolling.
xi. Answer the phone in a normal vocalization and keep with what they say for infinitesimal, then of a sudden exclaim, "OH MY GOD NO! NO STAY BACK, KEEP AWAY FROM ME, I'M SORRY I'LL Get Information technology FOR YOU I SWEAR," and and then drib the phone.
12. Joes morgue you bag em' we tag em' what tin I do yous for?
13. I just tell them that I'yard Amish and my religion doesn't permit me to take any it is they're selling. Information technology's a bang-up alibi because fifty-fifty though they know that I'yard most likely not Amish (considering they have me on the phone) questioning a religion would be an asshole move. Trying to button me to use a production confronting my faith would be an asshole move. Basically, it pushes them into a corner where 99% of their usual responses would make them look like complete assholes, while allowing me to stay polite the whole time.
14. If information technology's a scam call, I always ask them what they tell their parents they do for a living.
"Do your parents know you steal money from old ladies for a living?"
"Are your parents proud of you for being a thief?"
15. I get calls all the fourth dimension for companies trying to install solar panels on my roof. The Caller ID always comes upwardly with something like "SUN CITY" or "SOLAR SOLUTIONS." When I see those, I normally answer with: "Hello, we already accept solar panels, how can I aid yous?" They usually just answer with something like, "Ah, accept a nice day, so," and hang up.
If it's non solar panels, it's for exterminators. Them, I tell that I'm an ultra vegan who refuses to kill any living brute, and shame on them for their wanton slaughter of innocent insects.
16. "Would you please proceed to have coitus with yourself?"
17. I play Mary Had A Little Lamb w/ the number pad: 3-2-1-two-iii-3-iii-2-two-2-3-iii-3-three-2-i-two-3-3-iii-2-two-three-2-1, they normally hang up somewhere in there.
xviii. I got a phone call once request for my wife. I asked who they were and they said "This is x, with herbal green vitamins." I told her that my wife died. The lady started to apologize then I told her that she took some green vitamin and it killed her.
nineteen. I tell them to hang on a 2nd. I'll hit redial on the final telemarketer I got and add them to the telephone call. Then I just hang up and allow the two of them attempt to sell stuff to each other for the next minute.
xx. Take your own sales pitch fix. "Hey, you lot know what? I'm glad yous called and so we tin can share this time together. Speaking of sharing time, have you heard of a timeshare?"
21. If you accept access to a toddler, give the phone to the toddler and tell them that the nice person on the telephone wants to hear all about their 24-hour interval.
22. My dad in one case got a telephone call from a clearly scammy dental insurance visitor. He just yelled in the most twangy voice possible "I ain't got no teeth!" They immediately hung up.
23. Pretend to exist actually stressed out and say fauna noises calm you down and ask them to brand animal noises. Then starting time clapping and breathing louder. When they terminate say "I'm almost in that location". They won't call again.
24. My mom answers the phone, "Sheriff's department, fraud division."
Firsthand dial tone on the other end.
25. I usually pretend that I'one thousand an old homo rambling in Spanish and arguing with his wife.
26. When I was little, I was addicted to Animal Planet. When a telemarketer chosen, my dad would put me on the telephone with them to tell them facts about animals until they hung up.
27. When they say that "This conversation will exist recorded" tell them you're non assuasive it.
28. Basically only inquire them things that have no pregnant.
So tell me, can your dishwasher exercise 60 mph on the FDR bulldoze?
Do yous know how many wheels of cheese it takes to brand a 20th scale replica of Hoover Damn?
Did you know that raccoons similar to bathe in the blood of the vanquished?
29. Just keep putting them on hold. That normally messes with their phone call stats likewise and hopefully they won't exist thrilled to call you back.
thirty. "Thanks for calling Barbecue Bill's morgue, you kill em, nosotros grill em! What can I do for you lot?"
Some laugh and hang up, some just hang up, ane fable went with it and said he had iii bodies for me. It'south always depressing when it'south a robocall though
31. My brother would just say, "You audio hot. Are y'all hot?" whether it was a woman or a man. Subtle, still effective.
32. I run a clemency and I tell them all about it and launch into my please donate speech. No one has donated, but a bunch of people have hung up on me.
33. "I've heard you lot've been in an accident that wasn't your fault."
My two quick replies…
"I KNEW IT WASN'T MT FAULT! Let me ring my mum and I'll ring you lot right back!
Omg you guys are quick! I'm notwithstanding in the fucking car!
34. "What's your favorite scary moving-picture show?" In a creepy vox.
35. I usually play loud porn sound effects.
36. I ever like to go along with them, but slowly and subtly intertwine stupid stuff into my story. I had i of those ones where they inquire if you've been in a machine accident that wasn't your mistake and I ended up telling them a story almost my grandmother deliberately running me over with a tractor.
37. Just say "yes" to everything. It freaks them out.
38. As if they just decided to phone call you for fun. Dude, ask them their favorite song, play it on youtube and leave information technology lonely until they hang up. They are people doing a job only like you.
39. Because the always seem to phone call when you just sit down downward to eat – "what time is your dejeuner break? I'll call you back and so"
xl. One fourth dimension this guy called the business firm 5 times. My mom knew from experience that if you unplug the house phone the other person hears this deafening screech, he didn't call again.
41. I ever but say I'1000 16. Figured this out when I actually was 16. Non merely exercise they immediately give up, simply you as well get removed from all of the call lists.
42. "Hey hold on I'll exist right back"puts phone down "OH NOBODY Only SOME DICKHEAD IM GONNA Meet HOW LONG I Tin can KEEP THIS ASSHOLE ON THE LINE!"
43. I listen intently ask questions and be polite. And so ask ridiculous questions or answer the phone and start blathering nonsense in French (really information technology's merely strings of French words together – call up Scary Movie 4 style)
If they are persistent I will accident whistles or have resorted to air horns but merely afterwards asking once or twice not to call me back.
44. If I suspect the number of being a telemarketer, I always answer the phone with the following: "Koffman's Semen Repository. You spank information technology, we bank it! This is Kieth. How may I help yous?"
Most of the time, they just hang up. I have had some ask if they were calling a business. My respond to that is ever aye.
45. "Fuck off."
46. In Canada? Tell them to put yous on their "practise not call" listing, they're obligated by law. If they Always call you back, you can sue them for harassment.
47. "Hello, I am calling from duct cleaning"
"Nosotros don't take ducks, nosotros have chickens"
48. I like to keep them on the phone for as long as I possibly can. Every infinitesimal they're on the phone with me is another minute they aren't scamming someone else.
49. When they are not allowed to hang up first say this: "Here, chat with my Grandma". Tell Grandma it'south some long lost relative. Extra points if Grandma has dementia.
50. Respond the phone and just don't say anything. 
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Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2019/02/50-hilarious-ways-to-tell-telemarketers-to-leave-you-alone/
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